A Whole New World...

My daughter loves me.  I know, I know.  Duh.  But she loves me in a sometimes more than slightly desperate way that is both humbling and overwhelming.   I am often at a loss as to not only how to accept that kind of love but also how to reciprocate in a way that is healthy and constructive.  She also happens to be my biggest challenge.  I don't know if it is because of that love and needing to get more and more attention from  me or because I don't know how to relate to her.  I'm not a girly-girl the way she is.  I am a blue jean baby to the core.  Probably it's a combination of both sprinkled with a whole lot of my mother's dream come true about how she hoped I would have a daughter like me some day.

My daughter is a lover of beauty.  She is quite beautiful herself.  This is not a mother's clouded judgement. She's the princess I mentioned yesterday.  I have become extremely adept at tuning out many Disney girl-focused movies and all their knock-offs as well as Barbie as all myriad of mermaids and fairies, etc.  I could get on a high horse about the disproportionate body of a materialistic plastic figurine.  I could speak a few words about how every one of the Mouse princess movies has magic spells and a woman incapable of happiness or completion without a prince.  And the fact that all those movies end once the couple gets married.  Which is when the real marriage full of conflict and resolution, growth and learning, resentment and pain happens.  And also, all the princess have disproportionate bodies. Hmmph.  Anywho.

There's a lot of background to my daughter's story so I'm going to cliff notes this up by saying - something happened inside of her when I brought twins home from the hospital.  As young as she was, something made it's mark and lied and told her that she didn't mean as much.  I believe that most siblings have to experience an adjustment to the new situation and watching this larvae-like ugly thing draw in all these coos and attention for doing absolutely nothing other than basic human functions - eat, sleep, poop, repeat.  I think that is exactly how the phrases "look what I can do!" and "Mommy, watch this!!" began in the first place.  Probably Cain or Abel coined those phrases.  But I don't think my daughter ever made a recovery from that adjustment.  And I have a very short window to try to make things right with her because I heard that a person's psyche and issues happen and set in by the time they're six.   I've got like 6 months to re-invent her childhood before it becomes set in stone and I'm the sole thing she talks about in therapy.  I accept that she will be in therapy because it seems that is how we will all end up at some point.  I just don't want to be the one she's talkin' about all the time.  I need to leave room for her dad to be a part of the sessions.

So.  Here's today's new thing:

Disney Princesses on Ice:

This was a surprise that I had been planning for about a month.  The tickets were a good deal and I figured she would love it.  So I kept quiet.  And I didn't tell her today because I didn't want to take it away from her.  And if I had told her today, I totally would have had to take it away from her.  Because even if her behavior was all cool today, once something like this comes up, all my kids flip out and act like total hooligans that I don't wanna give stuff to or take places.  Well, I generally don't wanna take them places but I meant this as more of a reward scenario.

I didn't tell her until we were in our seats.  And honestly, I didn't tell her then.  I just let her watch.  And I watched her.  It was everything I had hoped for.  She was still and captivated.  She kept moving her head around people because she didn't want to miss a thing.  When the intermission came, I had to convince her to go to the bathroom because it was a break everyone was taking.  She asked me for just two things.  A $10 cotton candy with a Mickey Mouse ear/crown combo.  No.  And a $15 snow cone.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  It comes in a ridiculously cutesy cup that you get to take home with you!  And will likely get recalled in 2 weeks.  And also, I'm sure it wasn't dishwasher safe and I'm not down with stuff that I can't let my machine wash for me.  Remember - lazy.  Also No.  So, we shared a pretzel and drank from the water fountain and I considered the $10 parking as the treat for both of us.

The show itself was a spectacle.  I have never been to an ice skating show before, let alone one about princesses.  It was all swirly and shiny and skatey and special.  She was in heaven.  Her first realization was that it was stories on ice but once a few of the stories played out she realized it was princesses on ice.  Finally, she realized they were the Disney princesses.  She cuddled into me and took it all in.  I asked strangers to take various too dark pictures of us on my phone.  Pretty much every little girl there was dressed as a character or wearing dress-up clothes or fancy clothes.  And there were a few grown up women dressed the same way.  We fit in beautifully.

And then it was over.    And that is when the very best parts happened.  We were holding hands and walking back to the car taking a very different route than the one coming from the car.  The route that we took to get to the show added about 10 minutes contribution to the 15 minutes late we were from the beginning.  I felt like such a doofus when I realized the direct pathway that is the whole reason this parking costs $10 in the first place.  Anywho.  We were holding hands and just talking and she said "Wait.  What was this for?"  And I told her, "Just because I love you and I wanted to spend time with you".  What a gift to both of us.  I don't mean to sound all sappy but it meant the world to me to be able to say that to her - that we don't have to wait for birthdays or report cards or the like to let her know that she is special.    And it was so obvious that she loved that answer.  So we chatted and avoided cars and I gave her some cookies from the trunk and some water (sometimes it really does pay to be lazy and a pack rat.  Stuff like that can be all handy when you leave it in your trunk for a week.  Or 4.  I promise the cookies were fresh and everything.  And they were 89 cent Milanos which actually tastes better than $3.39 Milanos.  So there.) and started towards the exit.  I asked her what her favorite part was and you know what she said?  "Being there with you and just having you love on me".  And on the one hand, that sucks.  It sucks that that is a monumental moment for her - being so rare that when she experiences that it sticks out in her mind.  But I'm going to focus on the awesome part - that we shared a first-time ever event together.  That the little girl inside me smiled and checked off an ice show AND a princess show off her bucket list.  That I got to see my 5 year old daughter get fulfilled in ways that don't get to happen that often.  That it isn't important that I understand her need for these things, it's important that I let her be who she is and indulge her from time to time.  That when I get to talk to her without distraction or other's fighting to be heard at the same time, she really has the opportunity to be just a sweet, tender, lovely girl.  And it's a whole new world...

10 out of 10 Jenny's jewels.  Not to use such an overused term but really, this new thing was priceless.